Sianz...

Damn sianz now... working on a public holiday. Everyone is back to work, since a group of collegues wanted to continue to work to rush finish a project in Tuas. The rest of the workshops are closed, including the canteen below. Wonder where I'm going to eat for lunch later. I'm very tired, with body aching all over now, because of the work that lasted till almost 10pm last night at Pasir Ris, accompanied with some unhappiness which I chose to keep it down at the end. To make things worse, I had to get to work as usual this morning. My engineer thought that my unhappiness last night was by the late working times, but it was actually because of this "someone", who is not easily trified with. But the supposed "rest day" today will be transferred to the 31st Dec, which means super long weekend for me. And that's something to be happy about. Now have to get back to work.

Some thoughts

It's been almost a month since I started working. Though I cant say I'm getting to like this job, but I think I'm going to stay in this for at least the next few years. I understand that this is going to be a very tiring job, and lots of commitments is required. That explains the number of days of leave I have, and also the number of people in my company that are married or at least have a girl friend. One of my boss is one of them. Not sure whether that is something to worry about. Furthermore, this is a male working environment. Haiz... I just hoping for the best (fingers crossed). To make things worse, I think I'm losing it. I'm not as reliable and efficient than before. And I'm getting to lose confident about myself. I'm not sure what I'm doing everyday. I told myself that I want to show to the people I'm working with that I'm capable, since after failing the previous 18 companies interviews I went. But things are not what I expected. It's going to be a hard time, and it has started. I'm keeping my fingers crossed again. Hoping for recovery.

Actually after this quarter of the century that I have live, I'm still not quite sure about the person I am. The way I behave in front of my relatives and friends have always bother me. The only thing I'm sure is I don't like and care about myself. I always go for others first. Others feelings are my first priority. It has always been this way. And I think this will go on. But there are times that my feelings cant be relieved, not because that there is no one, but is that some feelings are to be kept to myself, and also there are some feelings which I think I'm just over sensitive, think too much. Dun say is scare of misunderstanding. So I have to find my ways of relieveing. Right now, a bunch of good friends have "elected" me to be the president of their supper group. But I'm still unsure about my capabilities. I only know that I'm someone that work behind the scenes, someone that is not suitable of being under the lights, someone that will feel unease in front of people, giving speeches. And these are ironic for someone who have been through so many solos and band performances in the past. It has been in vain. I'm not sure how I have been in front of friends, but I sincerely hope my good friends and other friends till now, can stay with me and together forever.

Tired

Yesterday night was chii and shuxin's bday celebration at this Da Chang Jin hotplate steamboat restaurant with a group of former hall 5 friends. Maybe because of the past few days work and things tieing me down lately, I was feeling quite shag and unfocused. Though I was quite happy with my current work and of course, last night celebration, somehow my life seems to be getting difficult to go on. I dun reaali know what is the reason, but somehow it is not the same as it is used to, but it is definitely not because I came out to work already. I just hope everything will go right soon, and (maybe it is too late now) God give me the strength to go on. Actually I wanted to say something last night or do something before, but in the end I failed. I'm failing, or it is just another coward act. Haiz. I think it is gone again. Shujin has been telling me his things, though I wanted to help him, but somehow I cant even help myself, maybe I'm even worse than him. At least he is more good-looking than me. My daughter (chii) wanted most for her birthday is a handsome looking guy to accompany her, and I sincerely hope she can find one. This is really sincere, for those who knows how I feel.

Alone

I think I'm really alone, deciding a lot of things by myself ever since I graduated and recently found a job. I know I have to do those things myself, but somehow or rather I still feel alone. Maybe I'm used to the kind of life in U. Everyday and night will be in touch my friends, or should I say my best friends. But now, everything since to have changed. I'm all alone working outside, everyday is just work and home. No one really asked me out. Most of my friends having exams now. That's y. Even after exams, they may not find me, they got activities to go, they have their partners to be with after that monsterous exams every sem. Even I go back and find them, I feel very out of click. Things are not the same anymore. The rest will be working.

Afterall, I'm not those kind who people will jio out for outings. I will be the one deciding whether I want to be alone that day or going out. But normally, people I asked will be busy with things. Then I will be alone again. Maybe that's y I dun have gf. I dun even know how to ask a normal friend out. Haiz. Serve me right. When it comes to friends, I just follow people around, because I know they know what they want. I'm just anything when it comes to friends. No temper. Sometimes people ask me only because I'm older and I have been through things before. What a failure, I dun even have someone I can really talk to when I'm down. Right now, I can only write here cause i know every few people will read my blog, or should I say none.

How I wish I have a gf. Of course not bothering her with my problems, at least I can look forward to meeting other than my family. But I'm just a failure. Dun think I can get a wife next time. I think I will happy with my friends are still around me. I just have to blame myself for not fighting for a gf. On 2 occasions I had the chance, maybe 3 going to be, but I chose to back out in order to preserve my friendships. Think it is just me. I think I will just be a loner. Save enough money and go travel around the world and fulfill my dreams. Alone.

First day of work?

Yesh! First day of work tomorrow. Wonder what I will expect. But I will expect anything that comes my way. Wish me luck. Yesh! But no more weekly soccer on Saturday's. Haiz. For the sake of work and family.

The End?

I dunno whether I should continue with this. I hope those involved will realise. It is of no point if we continue like this. If this is to be continued in future, we might as well disband it. People are affected. Some felt left out. Some don't feel it anymore. Some felt it is of no point anymore. Some are waiting for others to do something. What I wanted in the first place is togetherness and let it continue until when it can go. Looks like it is impossible now, unless something is done. But I can't fault anyone. Haiz. Is this the end?

A start...

Hurray for me...finally after half a year of search, I finally got a real job. Although the pay maye a bit low, but at least is something that I like and moreover got attractive allowances, most importantly, nothing beats getting the valuable working experience now. I can be relieved now. At least it helps my mum settles some financial problems for the family. I can start to plan things now, but priority is to keep the job. The boss is the nicest guy I ever came across in the18 companies' interviews I had been through. And I should admit that it was the easiest interview I came across. The boss seems to have decided to hire me even before I went for the interview this morning. Yesh! was the feeling in my heart when he asked me when I can report to work. Hahaha! I finally got a job. I think I will be the most happiest person when we celebrate Jeff's bday tonight. It has been the longest time since I saw my group of best friends in hall. But they should be having a hard time now since exams starts next week. And poor Jeff always has to celebrate his bday around exam's period. But at least this will be the final one. Next year this time he should be working already. Happy Birthday to you Jeff! Best Wishes!!! Good Luck for your exams, and also the rest of you. I will be waiting for all of you in the working world, and I hope we can come together again to start a real business next time, if you all don't mind.

The Choice

This is the critical moment of my life.
This is the moment that I have to make this critical choice.
Actually I have done this morning when I called the company.

When the rest of my fellow batch people got employed in their respective company, I'm right here considering, or should I say considered to do something different from I have done from my past 16 years of education, from the career that I had been considering for the, hmm..., almost 25 years of life, since my birthday is coming on Wednesday. And I have to make this decision at this time of the year. And I know if I go according to my decision, is go to be a hard time for me, when I'm sure the rest of my friends will at least have a stable job.

The burden my mum told me this afternoon that she has been bearing, I wondered how she had been carrying all these years, and it actually made me regreted a bit why did I choose to call the company this morning and decide to choose the harder path, when I think my family seriously need the help I can provide since I graduated in July, especially my mum. I did sob a bit, but I turned away from my mum before my tears dropped.

However, since I made a choice, I think I have to stick with it and go on. My mum did give her consent and I really have to work hard for the 16 years I think I have wasted. I really hope I can do it.

4 in 1 celebration

what a night of celebration. i forgot when was the last time that i got drunk outside and didn drive out. i think i was not dead drunk, just that i made a fool out of myself. actually i just want to let go of things. my fustrations and everything else. it was a friend's birthday, the launch of the first outing of the group, and another 2 celebrations to add in, therefore the worth of the whole celebration. we celebrated at the Ice Cold B's in SMU. The manager treated us very nicely and with the vouchers we had, we really drank a lot. although the gals had really hard times trying to take care the rest of the guys, but we still gave them lots of problems, especially me. haha. sorry. got to apologize. i messed up with a lot of things. haiz. 真是失态... the eldest among the group and acting the worst. actually it was the barcadi 151 at the end that really killed me. i think the rest of the group will also agree. but i dun think i was really dead at the end. i still could remember that i directed my bro out of the city area to ecp when he came to fetch me last night. haha. he was quite lost and told me he dunno how to get out from there. haha. i think i was zhai. haha. but when we got up to ecp, i started to puke. haiz. luckily got those plastic bags that my friend gave me, or else my bro wont know what to do with me. but i had a great time, and i think the rest of the group agrees that they had a great time too. hope we have this kind of time again. thanks everyone.

Suay Day

What a suay day! Got ban sei for the fifth time in this month. Haiz. Dunno what to say. Went to IPPT. Fell on my strongest item. Shuttle run. Failed 2 stations. Actually 1. Chin up. As usual. Didn bother about the 2.4km run. So went off early. Then almost lost my bag. So had to wait for everyone finished their test before the people could help me check the lockers around. In the end, could have went home at 845am. But had to stay til 11am. Partly also because of the sudden rain, that I fell a bit feverish in the afternoon. Haiz. However, it was that moment that my dad asked me a question this morning before going for IPPT, and I really ponder for a long time. Is it worth it that I care and doing so much for people that people maybe just take me for granted? I really don't wish that is happening on me. And I really hope it won't.

Job?

Ha...to all my friends, think I getting a job soon, not sure should I take it as a part time or full time though, and I think I going to take it up. However, this company is very young and still developing. It only consists of like 2 full timers inside, the boss and another guy around the same age as me, and 2 other part time agents. People will wonder why would I consider to go inside seems it looks so unstable and not even established yet. Maybe it is because I can't stand doing nothing at home liao, and can't possibly wait for replies for my applications that companies won't make or will take their own sweet time processing. I will just take it as I'm helping the boss who has ample experience in this line, and myself indirectly, to set up the business, meaning a chance for me to learn the ropes of a new line. Not sure whether I will succeed in this company, but wish me luck. After all, I still young in this working world, and I have the drive to try out things for better future. Haha...

Anyway, just found out that my youngest bro got his blog. Haha. and looks nicer than mine. Though he has been writing something bad about me occasionally, I will link it from my blog definitely. Alright, that's it for tonight, added a song name 'Loving You' by 李岗霖, hope those who visit my blog likes it, though I know someone may not be visiting this site, this is for 'someone'. Wish you will be happy always as you are. Loving you... in my heart.

李岗霖 - Loving You

说爱我 将妳拥在怀中
希望这一切不是梦
天就快亮了星辰淡了
爱情它终究不属于我

送妳走 不是我的祈求
谁预料妳真的离开我
全世界都因此告终

伤 不只在心中
那是前所未有的惶恐
在妳消失的背后

而痛 遗留在双手
怕散落在茫茫人海之中
温暖 变的纵容

Oh Loving you
my heart is true the way I do
纵使妳介入 妳离开 是匆促
我仍為妳停留

Oh Loving you
my heart is true the way I do
爱从一开始就没凝固
为妳沸腾到最后

说爱我 将妳拥在怀中
希望这一切不是梦
天就快亮了星辰淡了
爱情它终究不属于我

送妳走 不是我的祈求
谁预料妳真的离开我
全世界都因此告终

伤 不只在心中
那是前所未有的惶恐
在妳消失的背后

而痛 遗留在双手
怕散落在茫茫人海之中
温暖 变的纵容

Oh Loving you
my heart is true the way I do
纵使妳介入 妳离开 是匆促
我仍為妳停留

Oh Loving you
my heart is true the way I do
爱从一开始就没凝固
为妳沸腾到最后

Oh Loving you
my heart is true the way I do
纵使妳介入 妳离开 是匆促
我仍為妳停留

Oh Loving you
my heart is true the way I do
爱从一开始就没凝固
为妳沸腾到最后

New start

It's the new start of the term again for those friends in hall, some going into final years, some third, some second, and of course those newly promoted juniors going for first term in uni life. Some going for exchange, some continue going for industrial attachment which started few weeks ago. All in all, good luck to you all! Me, shall continue my job-hunting lah!!! Hahaha!!!

Finally

It was the end of yet another orientation camp on friday, at least one I still considered within my school days, but the last one. But I'm not sure whether it would be the last one in my life since I'm going out to work. Mixed feelings within me, as I'm not sure whether I'm really enjoyed fully during this camp. Having been through the most number of orientation camps than anyone else, other than Yuen Ki of course, I know what should be expected from a good orientation camp itself. Not saying Jeffrey didn't do a good job, as I could see the effort he put in and the stresses he had tried to endure throughout the year, in helping the rest of his young committee to bring the best orientation camp not only to incoming juniors but also to the seniors who helped out during the camp.

Maybe I had my own expectations through the years. Maybe it was my personal problems which I shouldn't have brought them to camp, especially one which I hope the person who knows what he should do and I know he will. But I'm sure there was one of those things that I didn't really enjoy, though I know that the culprit wasn't really at fault, ironically. I hope that guy will learn something and be more mature. There were other things that happened, and I thought some of them were usual things that will happen during camp and I hope that people involved can learn from those things and make the next camp a better one. Hope Shi Jin will be alright since I realised he was quite unhappy during the camp, and confirmed it after reading his blog. Sorry about that question I asked after your 'po shui jie'. Hope you can be yourself and be happy. You will have no regrets. Pardon me if I can't tell you verbally but I thought I can express myself more clearly here.

Lastly, 3 cheers to the HAVOC committee, no matter how I feel personally, at least you had done your job and I could see people enjoying the camp. Of course, you can't satisfy everyone. And the very last one, 3 cheers to JCRC and Hall 5, for giving me the hall life I have always hope for and may you still Strive in Unity for Excellence.

Ups and Downs again...

Finally I had been through the most important ceremony in my uni life, my convocation, on wednesday. Though I said that, but a ceremony is just a ceremony. It was just made up of a few speeches and me going up to the red carpeted stage and receiving a empty folder as a form of symbolisation that I received my degree certicate. Yes, it was quite boring, when I should be proud and excited during the 2 hrs something ceremony. I thought most of us were sleeping during the ceremony, though I didn't, trying to give my last 2 hours of attention to the speakers in the Nanyang Audi, as a form of gratitude to the education the university had given me. I realised I didn't really take a lot of photos, around 40 plus. Maybe I don't have many friends, maybe there were other photos in my other friends' cameras. I just had to make do with those I have. Anyway it's over. Hope the rest of my hall friends would have theirs soon, and be proud of themselves when that moment comes.

The convocation also signals the ending of my last few moments in hall 5. Therefore I organised a steamboat yesterday and stayed around the premises the last couple of days. Though I told some of them I will be going for the upcoming camp, but I'm actually still deciding whether should I go. What can I do during the camp? It's meant to be for freshies. I will be just following around. The rest of my friends will be busy managing and keeping the game going. Haiz. Anyway, I hoped they had a good time chilling out last night at the steamboat, with all the laughter I heard next door, because I had to wake up early this morning for an interview in Boon Keng. I apologised for the rudeness since I'm the organiser, I had been coming down with a very serious cough for the past 1 month odd, and I could feel my stamina is going down drastically because of it. I'm like a walking zombie everyday and I don't even dare to go to see doctor about it. And also due to money issues. I'm not sure how many of you out there knows about it but yes, this is what I have been going through the last 1 month odd, going to 2, and accompanied with all the job searching going on, and empty replies after those called up interviews. Not trying to ask for anything, but I feel that I'm becoming more temperamental, maybe because of those things. Too many things until I am lazy to write them out. Actually I write those out, people concerned don't even read them. What's the point? Maybe I should not ask for so much. I should get on with life. Let bygones be bygones. 顺其自然...

Suddenly I want to introduce this nice song...to someone...

林俊杰 - 西界

词:林秋离 曲:林俊杰 专辑:西界

阳光越过窗沿

我在阴影里面

才过正午13点

就漆黑一片

没有人看得见

我心深处的阴暗面

只能眺望东边

你的世界太远

撑到想象的极限

幸福有多甜

可黑夜已吞噬我

就是拉不到你的手

因为我活在西边

只拥有半个白天

一到午后夜色就蔓延

虽然和你面对面

却看不到我的脸

感觉到你不安的视线

在西界的那一边

只能有半个白天

暗自祈祷上天的垂怜

在长夜的边缘

给我一丝光线

让你 能多看我一眼

只能眺望东边

你的世界太远

撑到想象的极限

幸福有多甜

可黑夜已吞噬我

就是拉不到你的手

因为我活在西边

只拥有半个白天

一到午后夜色就蔓延

虽然和你面对面

却看不到我的脸

感觉到你不安的视线

在西界的那一边

只能有半个白天

暗自祈祷上天的垂怜

在长夜的边缘

给我一丝光线

让你 能多看我一眼

因为我活在西边

只拥有半个白天

一到午后夜色就蔓延

虽然和你面对面

看不到我的脸

感觉到你不安的视线

暗自祈祷上天的垂怜

在长夜的边缘

给我一丝光线

让你 能多看我一眼

Saturday Times

What a weekend, or should I say what a Saturday. It was the first time that I joined a eating competition, and to be exact, boneless chicken rice competition, held by the Chinatown Business Association at Kereta Ayer Square. The total number of contestants was around 80, though the target was actually around 300, however it was still quite an experience, as I tested my limit in eating the number of bowls of the rice within ten minutes. 5 was the number, though I should have eaten 1 or 2 more, if I had not eaten lunch earlier. However, it was no use as the winning or should I say the number eaten by 5 of those 40 in the round who qualified was mostly around 8 bowls, even for those in the next and last round. I was stunned actually by an ordinary uncle sitting just beside me during the round that he was eating the 7th bowl when I was just eating the 3rd, and he eventually qualified. And there was an aunty that I thought she was a big liar, when she told me before the competition that she was very full, and she actually ate 8 and a half bowls during the round. Nevertheless, it was a great experience, and hope those friends mine like Weiming, Guangquan and Smauel enjoyed the competition.

After which, I decided to join the seniors of Hall 5 in going through the rehearsal of Fright Nite at the old Commando Camp in Changi. It was the 3rd time during my years in Hall 5 that we had used the site for the purpose. However, I should say it was the best plot compared to the rest of the other 2. And also, I should emphasize that it was the 1st time that I went through the rehearsal as an ordinary senior, not as one of the actors in the plot, as I was always one of those for the last 3 years. Good job Havocers and may your camp be a success!

Sad and sorry...wish for the best

Things have become bad to worse in my family for the past few years, especially my dad. My dad has been having problems with money ever since he was cheated off by his friend a couple of years ago. Since then, he had to start his career all over again, which actually honestly speaking, not contributing much to the family income. He has been working so hard, trying to relieve the burden on my mum, who is actually working her guts out even on her supposely rest days, in order to feed the family and taking care of the house. Alhough not earning much, she has become almost the sole breadwinner for the family. Not saying that that my dad is not doing his part, but things have not been working out smoothly these few years for him. It is worse now that he just sprained his back after a bad fall in the a coffeeshop this afternoon. I took him to see one of his friends who has been a well known sen-sei for many years.

While waiting for him for his treatment, I began to think what an useless son I had been, ever since I graduated from university. I always put up a brave front in front of my friends, saying that I want to enjoy the break before finding a permanent job, acting not in need of money, and leisurely waiting for the replies from the applications on jobstreet.com, but in actual fact, I'm desperate for a job, really really in need, to relieve the workload from my parents. Especially the car, although it is a liability due to the increase in price of petrol that my dad and I always have problems filling it fully, that is my dad's 'rice bowl'. Looking at the pathetic condition my dad was in just now before the treatment, I can't help feeling sorry, and I just felt speechless in front of him. He just could not in a condition to drive a car and had to have a hand pressed at the spot that was hurt. I just could feel the pain he was experiencing, especially now that he is now nearly 60. Though my dad has also provided help in recommending me to his friends, but somehow I always thought doing something that I like and not appreciating the help from him. Thinking up to this stage, I started feeling sad, and frankly speaking, I actually sobed a bit. Tears came down and I decided to walk around for a while, in order to avoid the sudden appearance of my dad after he got his treatment done.

A lot of mixed feelings have been building up in me this couple of months and I seems to be in a lost land. However one thing fo sure, I really want to get a job soon and I hope my dad recovers soon.

I hope that you can be my...

专属天使 by Tank

我不会怪你 对我的伪装
天使在人间是该藏好翅膀
人们愚蠢鲁莽而你纤细善良
怎能让你 为了我被碰伤

小小的手掌 厚厚的温暖
你总能平复我不安的夜晚
不敢想的梦想 透过你的眼光
我才看见 它原来在前方

没有谁能把你抢离我身旁
你是我的 专属天使
唯我能独占
没有谁能取代你在我心上
拥有一个 专属天使
我哪里还需要 别的愿望

小小的手掌 大大的力量
我一定也会 像你一样飞翔
你想去的地方 就是我的方向
有我保护 笑容尽管灿烂

没有谁能把你抢离我身旁
你是我的 专属天使
唯我能独占
没有谁能取代你在我心上
拥有一个 专属天使
我哪里还需要 别的愿望

要不是你出现 我一定还在沉睡
绝望的以为 生命只有黑夜

没有谁能把你抢离我身旁
你是我的 专属天使
唯我能独占
没有谁能取代你在我心上
拥有一个 专属天使
我哪里还需要 别的愿望

The feeling i have now before going to sleep

原来 by 林俊杰

街灯绊住我眼前
下一步
拉长的影子
嘲弄的回顾
电话亭仍留着你的话
一句话掉一滴泪
今晚的我会是如何入睡

原来最疼痛的表情竟是没有情绪
原来最残忍的画面可以甜言蜜语
我不懂得如何更爱你
影子讽刺地跟着我难分难离
原来最孤单的是我还是那么想你
原来最悲哀的是我不能面对自己
你收的干净
我也会不留一点痕迹

说故事也要像是真的
可是别触动那些回忆
今夜你说了最后一句
一句话掉一滴泪
看来今晚的我很难入睡

原来最疼痛的表情竟是没有情绪
原来最残忍的画面可以甜言蜜语
我不懂得如何更爱你
影子讽刺地跟着我难分难离
原来最孤单的是我还是那么想你
原来最悲哀的是我不能面对自己
你收的干净
我也会不留一点痕迹

原来最疼痛的表情竟是没有情绪
原来最残忍的画面可以甜言蜜语
我不懂得如何更爱你
影子讽刺地跟着我难分难离
原来最孤单的是我还是那么想你
原来最悲哀的是我不能面对自己
你收的干净
我也会不留一点痕迹

PS: This song is dedicated to someone that I have to apologise.

Again and worse

finally i have the time to blog.
finally i had a nice and sufficient amount of sleep.

i didn't really sleep much since thursday night as i went outing with my 'wife' again. 1030 pm to 615 am was the time that we spent travelling from ntu to east coast again. of course there were breaks in between. people might think we spent 4 hrs for each journey on average on each journey. however the 'to' trip was longer. especially on the way i actually fell 3 times. i couldn't believe it. tt's been a long time since i fell from 'her'. the first was near the temple opposite clementi ite and i hurt the lower end of my calf with the pedals. the second one was at the bridge behind zouk and i accidentally knock my tummy with the handle bars when i fell. the worst one was when we were passing along the stretch of clubs at clarke quay. everyone was looking at me. caucasians and especially the ladies. embarassed. bruises were on my thighs and hands, with my 'wife' over me. my new head light which i just installed on 'her' the night before was sacrificed. 10 bucks gone and i had to get a new one. what a night! and it was just the 'to' trip and everyone had to wait for me each time i fell. each time people asked me whether i'm alright, it was not the physical pain that I was experiencing i felt hurt about i just didn't feel good mentally. i didn't want my team to worry about me. after all i'm the oldest among them and should have the ability to take care of myself, especially i'm also the most experienced. maybe it was those things that are haunting me again. really want to get away from them. really really. after all it was a record that we came back from east coast to ntu using around 2 hrs of ride. it could have been shorter with the length of breaks we took in between. that was the most wonderful thing that we achieved for the whole night.

after which i had a interview at gul circle at 1030am, so i didn't really sleep before that and went straight for it after the shagged night. coming back from the interview, i only had 2 and a half hrs of sleep before going to chinatown to work with yongxiang as registration booth for a chicken rice eating competition til 9 pm. after which, we went off to have ktv with elayne and co. honestly speaking, i didn't really much of the session because i felt the tiredness from the cycling lying on me. there were occasions that i nearly fell asleep. i have to apologised for my not so enthusiatic behaviour to them. sorry. the session ended at ard 3 am before i went back with a good nice sleep.

Tired...(physically and mentally)

what a day. or should i say what a night. what a journey. think i had forgotten when was the last time i travelled with that 'wife' of mine. me and her travelled on one of the longest night we had together with each other, and maybe one of the longest journey. after two years of rest, i thought my body could not take it anymore, but the fact is i have been done it. one level up should i say. though it was a relatively quiet night (as it should be), there were a lot of things running through my mind. maybe those were the things that helped me forget the physical exhaustion that i was experiencing. there were times also because of those things, that i nearly fell. lucky i had my 'wife', we were both safe and sound, except my butt hurts, even until now. maybe it was the 'intimate actions' we did the whole night. some said i was too fast and looked so easy throughout the journey, i thought... 'maybe'. maybe i was too on myself. i didn realli focus on others, i should apologise. on the whole it was satisfying and i had a sense of achievement. maybe we should challenge for a longer distance next time.

although with that sense of achievement, those things that were running though my mind last night were still troubling me. maybe those things would keep hunting me until i find solutions for them. some of them sounded insane to me, some, i really had the responsiblity to do my part. and most important, others, **sigh**, i had only myself to blame. really really want to get over it. really really.

Senior camp cum Pohlin's bdae celebration

finally got time to blog. actually i'm a boring person. not realli proficient in writing english. so can only blog when i got something to write. other people i know have been filling up their blogs with photos and diaries from their overseas trips, some even got poems about their daily life alomost everyday and others got a blog as a place to relief themselves. me...like those in the last group, or mostly likely, most prob i just want to find someone to talk but unsuccessful, cos most of my friends busy with things and i dun want to trouble them, so i chose to tok to this thing here... haha... sound so miserable...

aniway i went back for the 4th senior camp in my hall life or should i say my entire life on sat and sunday, not sure whether i should go for the actual one, though the perm i'm looking for now would be the deciding factor. i went back a day early to find yongxiang and co to tok cork the nite b4. we tok quite a lot, although not much with yongxiang, robin and eugene ironically cos they were busy settling camp stuffs. but i got to know shulian and yiling more at least cos they were actually toking to me the most the whole nite, until eleana came up and joined the session. actually the thing that i realise i miss after the session which lasted till 6am in the morning was the breakfast stall at ah fang, which had the real delicious chicken wings ready at 630am, and i forgot about it when i left hall the last time. so the few of us went for it and came back to sleep till 11 something before going for the camp. the camp was fun in general, and i became the oldest at the camp, and yuen ki, not knowing that she would be there until i saw her, became the one from the oldest batch, the one before me. haha. so we became the prominient one and together with robin and the rest going into their finals year became the core group that jokes around anything and everything in the camp. first is the logo for our group, we called ourselves "anything and wateva. don't do it!!!" when the other group called themselves "break free", and the theme for the camp is prison. haha nice. juz wanted something got to do with the drinks. and eleana's unstoppable lame jokes throughout the camp was another highlight. haha. wondering wat would happen to her during the actual camp, and there were others that had caused much laughter as always in camp. not sure whether was it a big miss for those who din went back for the camp. it was fun though. i cant tok much about the games here cause they should be kept as secrets until the actual camp itself. the senior camp ended on sunday at ard 4pm.

last nite the group of us consisting of, me, robin, jeffrey, yixin, shujin, yongxiang, shing yeong, elayne, shuxin, yu chii and xueyu celebrated poh lin's birthday at suntec's kenny rogers. it was her 21st birthday and some of us shared to give her a mp3 player as a present. though it was a birthday celebration, it was also a gathering for some of us to catch up with one another. things were updated and new things were discovered, and there were no shortage of jokes and laughter, of course mainly from jeffrey and robin and others, and me, juz a chair by name and used as some parts of the jokes and cant continue any. haha. juz another boring person around. the dinner ended at ard 10pm before all of us went back.

PS: it was decided during the dinner to give a farewell supper for xueyu before her summer exchange in US next week. it will be at jalan kayu on this friday 11pm. hope everyone will go.

Results out

results are finally out...and finally, after 16 years of education, i graduated, with a honors of 2nd upper, which although some of friends said that it was expected from me, i never thought of it until it was confirmed and shown in front of me after that click...and that click will be one of the last few clicks that i will make on a NTU website...and also it truly starts the next and toughest phase of my life...

Looking at the grades, i suddenly had a lot of thoughts. i thought back til the days when i stepped into NTU, the start of my tertiary education, and living in hall and joining JCRC, that signalled the start of my vibrant and unforgettable hall life. i was telling yongxiang the feelings, thoughts and experiences that i had since the first day i was entrusted with the JCRC's duties although i didn really tell him in great details. it started with one question that he asked me why he was one of the choices to be recuited as a JCRC member, and above that as one of the top 4, when he knew we had really different personalities. and i thought of telling him what i really been through...and i suddenly thought some of those things that i had said might not have been through the 3 presidents whom i was undered, vincent, adrian and lastly robin's ears...i began to think that it is true that i tend to keep things to myself, and people around me dun really know me much, maybe it was becos of that incident in the past, that's why cant get a gf til now (side-tracking). but i really thought that those things shouldn have been said if they had been meant to be misunderstandings and troublesome thoughts to them. although i didn really know whether in actual fact will they affect them, but i chose to bear with all of them, to prevent making anything worse. but i hope the things i told yongxiang would have cleared some of the things that he had mistaken and questions about me in the past. i dunno how other people think, but i myself dun think i had done my jobs well as a audio visual secretary of the hall, let alone as the vice-president of the hall, because of those thoughts, and maybe that's why i dun really cause and have much influence either as a JCRC member or as a normal friend to people around me. therefore i hope that yongxiang will not follow my footsteps, although i know he wont, and since he had done well for the past one year in my former post.

of course there were fun, joy and laughter i had during the years in JCRC, not saying 16th and 17th JCRC dun have, but the most of those would be during the term as the 18th JCRC member, especially i got myself 2 'daughters', xueyu and yu chii, whom i dunno why but i think they acknowledged me as their 'dad' cos i really looked like one to them (i look like i'm in 30s after all instead of 20s) and they really looked like kids to me. Sorry but no offence to you two, and especially you two have been great and understanding 'daughters', and sometimes had to bear with your 'dad' nonsenses. the 18th JCRC were really a different batch of people which i really thought at that time not only they could make a difference to the hall but also the kind of working experience that i would have with them, which really gave me the decision of not going for the exchange programme in holland offered by the school, of course there were other reasons. But i really like to thank the 18th JCRC members, although there were some misunderstandings and unbearable times, they had given me such a wonderful time during that term. Of course, thanks should also be given to the 16th and 17th JCRC, for helping me to grow and experiencing what is reality in life.

to 16th JCRC: thanks vincent, tianshun, gavin, adrian, henri, kok siong, jerry, margaret, cindy, yuxin, kenny, ching yan and tzer shiuann.

to 17th JCRC: thanks adrian, gavin, weiming, kevin, robin, stella, eugene, gerald, qiaoling, libing, christine, chee yen, keith, peiying and vic.

to 18th JCRC: thanks robin, eugene, xueyu, kevin, shu jin, poh lin, shing yeong, yu chii, elayne, shu xin, nicole, yi xin, wenchuan, nicholas, fabian and guowen.

and also special thanks to 'friends' of the JCRC (you know who you are) for making my life really different and exciting since term of the 18th JCRC and somehow together, you all elected me as the chair of our supper trip outings, given me the chance to keep in contact with all of you after i graduate. THANKS!!!

After all those experiences and friendships you all had given me, i really feel very gan dong and honored to be part of you all, and really THANKS!!!

2nd Posting... haha...

Aloha (hawaiian saying of hello), 2nd time posting... dunno wat to write actually but juz feel like writing something... think i starting to get attach to this... haha... these couple of days have been busy going down for briefings of a part-time job that is going to start this coming friday... however the timing is a concern... 6am-3pm and 3pm to 12am... haiz... how to get to changi airport before 6am and leaving airport after 12am...wonder wonder... and i thought there is transportation allowances due to the timing...and the agency says no... and becos they are actually looking for people that live in the east... haiz... wonder y i still take up the job... haha... maybe becos i'm slacking at home... and finding part-time now while waiting for a perm one will be a good idea... and furthermore someone has done the liasing... think i juz see how it goes... haiz taking cab will be too expensive for me... since i live in jurong east...(wondering...) will definitely find a way... or i think i will juz tell the guy i'm not doing already... is not profitable to me aniway... haha...

actually i was surprised to see xueyu at the briefing... cos i thought she is flying for summer exchange soon... so may not find a part time job right now which she always do during holidays... aniway saw her and actually quite happy... maybe becos of the smile she always try to cheer and plant in everyone's mind... and of course she is my 'daughter'... haha... but i was busy toking to shin ling's 'boyfriend' ( i think... not sure also... correct me if i'm wrong... not sure about his name also...haha... juz a label) that i 'neglected' her. :( . haiz...not sure y i could tok to him for so long... almost the whole briefing time when we were at both places although we only know each other for onli two days... haha... i actually told him about my plans of opening a so called logstics company next time...and he supported my ideas... haha... think this is life... i'm not sure whether my plan will work actually but he actually supported... ha... cant describe how i feel that time... aniway it gives me a drive to continue... but i hope the friends around me can join me if they are interested... haha... no obligation...

aniway was toking about xueyu... yah... was actually feeling a bit bad not toking to her after all... and although she actually 'complained' to me abt it when she meant to be joking... haha... think i should try to tok to her more before she goes for the trip at the end of this month to L.A...after all when she comes back after that the uni will open for classes again andshe is staying hall already and i most prob will be busy with my work... and today she actually told me something... haha... and i thought it was quite ironic for her if she dun realise... haha... i shall say it here if she dun mind, ' we shall live alone for now for a few years'... haha... and i thought she should have quite a number of suitors going for her... haha... at least i have that confidence in her... not like me... haiz... shan say it here... aniway i want to say all the best to her again even i said it in my last blog... Best Wishes...

think i will stop here for today...not much to write about now other than a job offered by my dad's friend to be an apprentice under him or a ship, doing electrical and automation... so may go overseas on ship if got chances...haha... but considering for part-time first... 80-100 bucks per day...quite alright... but not exactly my field... but may consider to be their mechanical eng for ships if i want to be considered doing full- time....hmmm...

think i should stop now...cya...

Supper cum xueyu's birthday

hello....haha...my first ever blog....and first ever composition about me...was feeling quite bored at home these few weeks after exams...and still finding a perm job...so decided to write something to kill time...haha...when the rest are having ia, pa, eid, special sem, and holidays abroad when i have no money...

actually juz woke up from last nite's supper trip... after all the driving around and the day before's driving...but it was all worth it... it was the first supper i organised as a chair of the supper trip group...dunno how i was elected though...i not sure how the rest think but i thought it was quite bad with the organising part... alot of last minute changes and causing some inconvinence to everyone...hope everyone dun mind...next time will be better...most prob the place will be either chomp chomp, jln kayu or simpang bedok...but the best is go to bukit timah...near beauty world...haha...becos near my house haha...no lah...got good food also...

further more it was xueyu's birthday, though we celebrated after 12am, belated should be...haha...hope u had a great time...and haha...the crocs shoes realli look nice on u...when i was thinking whether it suits u while buying...haha...have a great 21st birthday...though u dun look like one...haha...but i wont wish u guai gao zhang da....as a papa if u rememeber, cum friend... wish u all the best in everything u do and look forward to the furture...

for those who din come for the supper...hope u come next time...think the supper can be more lively if u all around...of course not saying last nite is not lively...but i wish more people can join us if possible...most prob this is an additional time when we can still meet out after uni time...

last of all...thanks all those who came...especally to those new addition to the orginal group...thanks robin, eugene and denise, jeffrey and yixin, shujin, junhao, yong xiang, fabian, melvin, poh lin, elayne, shuxin, shi jin and eleana, and especially xueyu... and i hope this can be continued...of course not having me organising everytime...haha... u all can take the initiative if u want to have one...or other suggestions of outings and stuffs...see you all next time...thanks again...

PS: and shijin...stop spelling my name wrongly in your blog...haha...and i wont say that thing now in this first blog...haha...see my mood first...and dun u spread(this is in a serious manner)...haha...