Some thoughts

It's been almost a month since I started working. Though I cant say I'm getting to like this job, but I think I'm going to stay in this for at least the next few years. I understand that this is going to be a very tiring job, and lots of commitments is required. That explains the number of days of leave I have, and also the number of people in my company that are married or at least have a girl friend. One of my boss is one of them. Not sure whether that is something to worry about. Furthermore, this is a male working environment. Haiz... I just hoping for the best (fingers crossed). To make things worse, I think I'm losing it. I'm not as reliable and efficient than before. And I'm getting to lose confident about myself. I'm not sure what I'm doing everyday. I told myself that I want to show to the people I'm working with that I'm capable, since after failing the previous 18 companies interviews I went. But things are not what I expected. It's going to be a hard time, and it has started. I'm keeping my fingers crossed again. Hoping for recovery.

Actually after this quarter of the century that I have live, I'm still not quite sure about the person I am. The way I behave in front of my relatives and friends have always bother me. The only thing I'm sure is I don't like and care about myself. I always go for others first. Others feelings are my first priority. It has always been this way. And I think this will go on. But there are times that my feelings cant be relieved, not because that there is no one, but is that some feelings are to be kept to myself, and also there are some feelings which I think I'm just over sensitive, think too much. Dun say is scare of misunderstanding. So I have to find my ways of relieveing. Right now, a bunch of good friends have "elected" me to be the president of their supper group. But I'm still unsure about my capabilities. I only know that I'm someone that work behind the scenes, someone that is not suitable of being under the lights, someone that will feel unease in front of people, giving speeches. And these are ironic for someone who have been through so many solos and band performances in the past. It has been in vain. I'm not sure how I have been in front of friends, but I sincerely hope my good friends and other friends till now, can stay with me and together forever.