The first official one...

Haiz...is always the description written on my face that i can always start off my blogs ever since i started them. almost nothing has been the ups of my life and here comes another one. the only thing i can be more relieved about is that at least i finally step out my very first step in going face to face with u. although i know the result way before i ask, but i know that i must at least try, if not i will regret it, since u are going for such a long time.

It has been such a long time ever since i started running away from all these problems, ever since from that so called 'unsincerity' confession on the phone. i have been feeling ultimately inferior in myself since then, especially the way i express myself to others, which really leads me to only taking a fancy of someone i like secretly all these years. i'm not sure whether my friends around me knows it, but there are times that i thought juz stop thinking about it and maybe let it be. i may juz end up alone till the end of my life, considering the way i act when it comes to facing relationships. i'm saying all these not because i wanted some care and concern, but i juz wanted to let it out from deep within me. after all, it is my first official one, if i say i'm ok, i will be lying to everyone around me. i dun want anyone to worry about me, nor sudden care and concern from u guys. i will be alright!!! and may u enjoy your trip! we are still friends though. as for the rest of u, maybe can still ask me out for a drink or something, haha, of course not about this. but it has to be my treat.

The art of tolerance

忍一时风平浪静，退一步海阔天空，that's what I'm thinking these few weeks, especially since I started working at this site where “鸟不生蛋”. I'm getting less agitated, although more nonsense are spouting out from my main contractor. Haiz. What to do? Anyway it is not only just from the main con, it is just another phase of life which I think I have to go through, especially I'm starting to support my family. Long story again and that's why I don't feel like getting a girlfriend. I dun want to her to be drag into this. My way of thinking again. Loneliness will follow me at least for these few years.

Some thoughts...

Its' been quite some time since I blogged, and here I am. Many things had happened these couple of months. Not talking about New Year, or Chinese New Year or Valentine's though, there are more serious things that worth my concerns.

I'm finally confirmed in the company though there are still rooms for improvement about my performance. Lots of my friends are concerned for me being in this small company, thinking that this may just be burying my talents, which I think otherwise. I have to make it big through this, so that I can make people recognise my worth practically by my actions, not just by talking or just submitting on a piece of paper. I have been through that many of interviews, not saying that I know the thoughts of the interviewers, but I know I'm not the kind who like to boast around my abilities, so I have to work doubly-hard to show my worth.

Being out in the working world all this while, I realise how things can be unpredictable, that can happen on even the friends around me. I'm not trying make a stand here, nor I'm trying to change the minds of my friends who are involved, is just that I can't believe things can happen so fast. I'm not at the scene so I'm not on any stand to comment. Hopefully everything will be fine.

Sianz...

Damn sianz now... working on a public holiday. Everyone is back to work, since a group of collegues wanted to continue to work to rush finish a project in Tuas. The rest of the workshops are closed, including the canteen below. Wonder where I'm going to eat for lunch later. I'm very tired, with body aching all over now, because of the work that lasted till almost 10pm last night at Pasir Ris, accompanied with some unhappiness which I chose to keep it down at the end. To make things worse, I had to get to work as usual this morning. My engineer thought that my unhappiness last night was by the late working times, but it was actually because of this "someone", who is not easily trified with. But the supposed "rest day" today will be transferred to the 31st Dec, which means super long weekend for me. And that's something to be happy about. Now have to get back to work.

Some thoughts

It's been almost a month since I started working. Though I cant say I'm getting to like this job, but I think I'm going to stay in this for at least the next few years. I understand that this is going to be a very tiring job, and lots of commitments is required. That explains the number of days of leave I have, and also the number of people in my company that are married or at least have a girl friend. One of my boss is one of them. Not sure whether that is something to worry about. Furthermore, this is a male working environment. Haiz... I just hoping for the best (fingers crossed). To make things worse, I think I'm losing it. I'm not as reliable and efficient than before. And I'm getting to lose confident about myself. I'm not sure what I'm doing everyday. I told myself that I want to show to the people I'm working with that I'm capable, since after failing the previous 18 companies interviews I went. But things are not what I expected. It's going to be a hard time, and it has started. I'm keeping my fingers crossed again. Hoping for recovery.

Actually after this quarter of the century that I have live, I'm still not quite sure about the person I am. The way I behave in front of my relatives and friends have always bother me. The only thing I'm sure is I don't like and care about myself. I always go for others first. Others feelings are my first priority. It has always been this way. And I think this will go on. But there are times that my feelings cant be relieved, not because that there is no one, but is that some feelings are to be kept to myself, and also there are some feelings which I think I'm just over sensitive, think too much. Dun say is scare of misunderstanding. So I have to find my ways of relieveing. Right now, a bunch of good friends have "elected" me to be the president of their supper group. But I'm still unsure about my capabilities. I only know that I'm someone that work behind the scenes, someone that is not suitable of being under the lights, someone that will feel unease in front of people, giving speeches. And these are ironic for someone who have been through so many solos and band performances in the past. It has been in vain. I'm not sure how I have been in front of friends, but I sincerely hope my good friends and other friends till now, can stay with me and together forever.

Tired

Yesterday night was chii and shuxin's bday celebration at this Da Chang Jin hotplate steamboat restaurant with a group of former hall 5 friends. Maybe because of the past few days work and things tieing me down lately, I was feeling quite shag and unfocused. Though I was quite happy with my current work and of course, last night celebration, somehow my life seems to be getting difficult to go on. I dun reaali know what is the reason, but somehow it is not the same as it is used to, but it is definitely not because I came out to work already. I just hope everything will go right soon, and (maybe it is too late now) God give me the strength to go on. Actually I wanted to say something last night or do something before, but in the end I failed. I'm failing, or it is just another coward act. Haiz. I think it is gone again. Shujin has been telling me his things, though I wanted to help him, but somehow I cant even help myself, maybe I'm even worse than him. At least he is more good-looking than me. My daughter (chii) wanted most for her birthday is a handsome looking guy to accompany her, and I sincerely hope she can find one. This is really sincere, for those who knows how I feel.

Alone

I think I'm really alone, deciding a lot of things by myself ever since I graduated and recently found a job. I know I have to do those things myself, but somehow or rather I still feel alone. Maybe I'm used to the kind of life in U. Everyday and night will be in touch my friends, or should I say my best friends. But now, everything since to have changed. I'm all alone working outside, everyday is just work and home. No one really asked me out. Most of my friends having exams now. That's y. Even after exams, they may not find me, they got activities to go, they have their partners to be with after that monsterous exams every sem. Even I go back and find them, I feel very out of click. Things are not the same anymore. The rest will be working.

Afterall, I'm not those kind who people will jio out for outings. I will be the one deciding whether I want to be alone that day or going out. But normally, people I asked will be busy with things. Then I will be alone again. Maybe that's y I dun have gf. I dun even know how to ask a normal friend out. Haiz. Serve me right. When it comes to friends, I just follow people around, because I know they know what they want. I'm just anything when it comes to friends. No temper. Sometimes people ask me only because I'm older and I have been through things before. What a failure, I dun even have someone I can really talk to when I'm down. Right now, I can only write here cause i know every few people will read my blog, or should I say none.

How I wish I have a gf. Of course not bothering her with my problems, at least I can look forward to meeting other than my family. But I'm just a failure. Dun think I can get a wife next time. I think I will happy with my friends are still around me. I just have to blame myself for not fighting for a gf. On 2 occasions I had the chance, maybe 3 going to be, but I chose to back out in order to preserve my friendships. Think it is just me. I think I will just be a loner. Save enough money and go travel around the world and fulfill my dreams. Alone.